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Some of you have asked us to discuss this hot topic here on the blog.
I feel like open relationships and polyamorous relationships are slowly becoming more free to talk about, which is great! & if you don’t know what the difference is between an open relationship and a polyamorous one, do some googling. I’m not going to go into history or statistics for these types of relationships at all – this isn’t the blog for that. What we will discuss is why we choose monogamy for our unique long-distance situation. Because if you think about it, monogamy really is a choice (culture/religion dependent – again, not the space for that debate). For us in America, our culture has made it the norm that a man and woman get married and have kids and that’s how it’s supposed to be. Which is why stuff like cheating is such a horror story and morally wrong.
We would agree that having intimate relationships outside of ours would be morally wrong and would make us both extremely upset – but only under the condition that the other was unaware.
But we don’t want that. We don’t want either option. We choose to be monogamous. Why?
It would make sense for our long-distance situation to be an open relationship, you know what I mean? We both obv have a sex drive and that can be difficult to manage with only seeing each other every two-three weeks. I’ll admit, over the summer when Connor and I were in a bad place with our relationship, I considered the idea of an open relationship. I was also curious about experimenting what relationships were like with my same gender, as I hadn’t had one yet. I later realized that I was just unsure if I wanted to be with him anymore in general & simply wanted to date and see who else was available. Once we got into a better place (after like, two weeks), that thought slipped my mind and has not returned.
I think that’s natural. I remember seeing someone working at the Vitamin Shoppe who I thought was so hot – & then I literally started crying in my car because I felt like I betrayed Connor, but we had been fighting a lot that week so it was natural for me to start thinking of other options?? I tried to justify myself over and over again. Looking back on this, I feel silly. I’m not an expert. I’m just a college kid with a laptop – but from what research I have done, IT’S NORMAL TO FIND HUMANS ATTRACTIVE. It’s instinctual, if anything, I think? Right? Idk – anyway I thought the guy at VS was hot & I’m not ashamed anymore. Like, chill, Emma.
So whyyyyyyy do we choose monogamy? The answer is really simple. We want to. We don’t have any desire to have any other intimate relationships with anyone else. Connor is naturally apathetic & very stoic. Like, to see him even laugh brightens my day SO much because it is literally the blank face emoji all day. He puts up walls with everyone and does not let anyone in easily. I broke down those walls, or, he tore them down for me. He wouldn’t want to do that again for someone else for a polyamorous relationship.
When Connor and I were discussing this topic, he said, “There’s intimacy in the idea that you’re committing yourself to me and only me.” I love this. It’s so true. Knowing that there is one person you want to give yourself to completely has a level of comfort that I cannot put into words.
The way I think of this is like when we were little kids & asking who the best friend was. ‘I’m talking like 3rd grade here. “Who is your best friend?” We’d always ask our closest friends, right? And we always hoped that they’d reply that you were their best friend. We always wanted to be the best friend. We wanted that high level of hierarchy on the friends list. I know I used to write in my diary “list of my top friends” and I would literally number them from like 1-8 with 1 being the best friend. I remember I always hoped to be my best friend’s best friend, but I never was. It was always “emma & ___” like I was never the best friend, always tied with someone else, or second best.
& IT WAS HEARTBREAKING, right?! We all wanted to be the best friend. At least I did, & I’m highly competitive.
I think the desire to be monogamous is the same. Connor is my best friend and I am his (I think.. better be). Now, that isn’t to say an open relationship still couldn’t work. Two people could absolutely be completely devoted to each other, but just need an open relationship for sexual satisfaction. That’s totally okay and can work just fine. That’s just not something we’d want for ourselves. I know for me personally, the first time having sex with someone is never great. Like, if you can go have sex for the first time with a new person and have it be mindblowing, my hat goes off to you. Not me. I’m needy, I’m fragile, I’m delicate, I also don’t have a crazy sex drive. I can go months without and be totally content. But at the same time, I also have like a check off list of needs to be met when I do have sex – Otherwise, like, don’t bother. Am I right?
So, I don’t want an open realtionship at all. Each time I’ve had sex with a new person for the first time it’s just not good. Sometimes even the second or third time it’s not, and then sometimes it has just never worked out and that’s (one of the many reasons) why they’re ex’s now. Right? Like, I want to be with the person whose gotten to know my body and knows what I like and dislike. Enough said.
Not only that, but relationships are hard work in general. Appart from the obvious of opening up and becoming intimate with someone, it’s also difficult to maintain a relationship and resolve conflict. Not to mention arguments. Why would I want a polyamorous or open relationship? I need to deal with more people’s emotions? No, thank you. Mine and Connor’s opposing personalities stir up enough drama to fill up a love octagon. We don’t need a real one.
But, I do believe that humans can love more than one person at once. I also believe that love can change. I have an ex who I was with for five years prior to Connor. I also have a sort-of ex that was more of a “what-could-have-been” I was with prior to Connor. I still feel very deeply for both of them. The person I was with for five years.. That’s a long time to love someone. Where do you put it after the relationship is over? It’s a heavy weight. Where can you set it down? I don’t think everyone can. At least I haven’t. I’ll always love that person, it’s just a different kind of love now. It’s no longer romantic. & that’s okay.
I accept that those relatinships are in the past and I have moved forward. But – a part of me will always carry those deep feelings. I think everyone does and maybe they just don’t know how to accept that they still feel love, so they convert it to hatred and go to the lengths of blocking their ex’s and trying to forget they existed.
I have a scrapbook of the five year ex. I don’t want to get rid of it. He was a part of my life and we still talk from time to time. I always tell my friends who go through breakups, “it’s okay to love someone but know you’re not meant to be with them.”
Connor is the only person I want to give my heart to, right now at least 😉 polyamorous relationships sound difficult because you’d open up to more than one person and that’s just not something I’d want to do. I’m a very open book, but I’m also a romantic and like my space all at the same time. Like, I moved back home after living with Connor because I felt like it was too soon and craved my space and alone time. As much as I miss him, why would I want to fill that with more people? No, thank you. Connor is the same way, but a little more reserved than me, which makes even more sense why polyamory is not for him, either.
This is not to say it couldn’t be successful for other people. It absolutely may work for other people. This is just our take on the subject. All opinions are our own.
This is apparently is a hot topic and I am not the person to get all the deeetz from. Here are some resources I’ve found that dig into it deeper and better.
Another great resource would be the Aubrey Marcus Podcast. I don’t know too much about it, but I know he digs into the topic of open realtionships really well because he was in one for awhile. He’s also just a really interesting dude in general and I highly recommend.
His previous long-term partner Whitney Miller is also a great resource for this topic. She actually started a podcast with above author Wednesday Martin called “True Sex & Wild Love” which is available on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
kk that’s it for now, lovebugs. you do you.
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