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I’ll admit we struggled at first. We ended up not seeing each other for six weeks. & this was not entirely just due to the pandemic. Quarantine is hitting everyone differently. I did not think of how strongly this would affect me. We didn’t think how much it would affect us. I think that had to do with not knowing how long this was going to last. I thought it would only be two weeks to maybe a month. Then I had six weeks off from work and now everything is still closed.
Part of me feels fine and totally normal, but another part of me definitely sees how this has affected me. Longer story cut shorter… Connor and I were together the day that the govenor of New York announced gyms were closing. I had a deep feeling that I did not want him to leave because I just felt like something bad would happen, but he had to get back to work. One of his coworkers caught the virus so I did not want to see Connor for at least two weeks after he started working from home. I live with my parents and didn’t want to risk anything. Well, weeks went on and quarantine-brain started hitting me. I was actually thriving at first. I had so much creative energy and was just manifesting that into the world. But something didn’t feel right. Connor and I had been discussing our differences that last weekend we were together before the world shut down. It was nothing major, just the same sort of disagreements we’d have on occasion. Something about quarantine just blew this up out of proportion on my end. I was overthinking, overanalyzing, and overall just felt uncomfortable with how we left off on the situation.
Well it’s a snowball effect. One negative thought leads to another, and another, and another.. eventually I told Connor I wanted to break up. I really had no true reason for this other than we had too many disagreements and maybe we just don’t work. We talked on the phone later and came to a mutual decision that we needed to break up because our differences were affecting how we communicated effectively with each other.
And then the weirdest thing happened.
I was in the shower the night I broke up with Connor and an overwhelming thought came over me and I said out loud, “I think I’m still going to marry Connor.”
Now I know that probably sounds crazy. I thought so, too. I started telling myself, “Well you’ve imagined your wedding for two years so it’ll be an adjustment to get that picture out of your head.” But I didn’t feel like that was true. I didn’t feel like I needed to get that picture out of my head. Regardless of literally breaking up with him a few hours before, I pictured the wedding we’ve been dreaming about so vividly and I just knew that’s what felt right. So when I got out of the shower I immediately texted Connor saying, “Was this a mistake?” And then two days later I knew it was a mistake.
Long story cut shorter, quarantine-life had us not see each other for six weeks: the longest we’ve gone without each other since we started dating.
When we finally did see each other, it was bliss and we were sure that our mutual break up had been a mistake. We are obsessed with each other. If anything, this mini-break up and being apart during quaratine only brought us closer together than we’ve ever been. This is after countless open hearted conversations, a lot of crying (on my end), and a whole lot of hugs.
We don’t want to air our dirty laundry on the blog, because that’s not what this is about. We’re not going to go into what our disagreements were over because they don’t matter. All relationships have disagreements. We know this sounds nuts, but our relationship was never rational & that’s something Connor has told me from the beginning. The reason for this explanation is to remind anyone who may need it that is pandemic is affecting everyone in strange and different ways. I really cannot explain the overwhelming urge to end my relationship with Connor and then feel so truly in my heart that he is who I’m meant to be with several hours later.
So all in all, we are back & better than ever.
Obviously the blog was put on hold while we figured things out. It didn’t feel write and I struggled to come up with the proper words to describe our situation. I am still having a difficult time, so I’ll leave you with this: We both have never been so sure of each other as we are now.
Something that both his parents and mine reminded us when we initially broke up was along the lines of, “oh you’re so young!” ” Think of all the people you haven’t met!” “There’s no reason to settle so soon!” .. “plenty of fish in the sea” type of comments. At first, it worked. Both of us thought, huh, I guess they’re right. But then it shifted for me. I no longer thought “wow I am so young and there’s such a world to adventure and so many other people to meet” .. instead it shifted to, “wow I am so young and so grateful to have already met my best friend and I am excited to adventure the world with them.”
As far as a quarantine update goes: Connor and I are both still working. He is working from home and I am still making coffee, just looking a little more like a beekeeper while doing so.
I wanted to keep this post brief. There’s so much chaos going on in the world right now. I feel that everyone’s hearts and minds are feeling heavy. We have plenty of ideas for upcoming posts on the blog and cannot wait to share them with you!
Oh, yeah, & I have red hair again. It just feels more me, you know?