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I have a recurring demon that haunts me when I least expect it. She comes during the day as I sit to do my homework; She slithers into my mouth as I jab my toothbrush to the crevasses of my molars; She peers up at me from the bottom of my tea cup; settled at the bottom, the tea leaves are arranged in a message that reads: this could be you.
The fear of settling has taken over my typical day-to-day parasite of anxiety. Iām sure that we all can relate to this on some level given that we are still in a global pandemic with what seems to have never ending restrictions.
Letās play a game⦠state your biggest fears and ask yourself why. Ready? Iāll go first.
Fear: death
Why? – not having a fulfilling life filled with accomplishments, achievements, and reaching my goals. Getting to the end of the road and not being satisfied. Having regret that I didnāt reach my goals.
Go deeper.
Fear of settling and adapting my goals as time goes on because I couldn’t reach them in the time frame I had.
Fear: aging
Why? – My skin, my face, my body. Being ugly.
Go deeper.
Why? – death.
Which circles back to⦠not having a fulfilling life filled with accomplishments, achievements, and reaching my goals. Getting too old to do what I love: modeling. Not reaching this goal that I have right now of being a full-time social media model/influencer. Settling for what I go to school for.. Teaching.
Nope, go deeperā¦.
Fear of settling.
Fear: Maturing.. Adulthood. Pregnancy. Marriage. Kids. Jobs. Putting my baby blanket away.
Why? It means Iām not a kid anymore. More responsibilities. Less opportunity to reach my goals.
Go deeper.
Aging⦠ok that circles back to..
Death..
Which circles back to..
Settling on a life that didnāt fulfill my dreams and aspirations.
Turning 25 last month struck me like a brick. Ten years ago, I thought Iād be married with a child by now, just like my mother. But now… I feel like Iām going to need another ten years before I even consider. Okay, maybe seven, which is still terrifying. I fear settling for a job that I have to work day in and day out until I retire. Settling for a routine. A partner. A house. A lifestyle⦠I want to travel. I want to create. I want to love, and love hard. I want to dance and sing and be a gypsy and live in many places⦠well, at least visit. This fear of settling continues to find me throughout the day and haunt me in the car, in the shower, or even mid-conversation with a friend.
It always seems like there is a new level added to my anxiety every month. āAnxietyā feels like such an overused word these days. I was diagnosed with chronic anxiety and insomnia years ago and I was on antidepressants for awhile. I got off of them when they started doing strange things to my body like constantly being dizzy, feeling the floor moving, and seeing the walls move. I was having what appeared to be hallucinations and became very bipolar; It just wasnāt a good fit for me. Since then, I still struggle with anxiety and insomnia. The anxiety is daily and takes new forms all of the time, but the insomnia comes in waves.
It feels like every month I say āI have a new level of anxietyā because there is always a new level to add.. Especially after this past year. Turning 25 last month was a trigger for anxiety because not only am I not what I thought Iād be at 25, but Iām also just not happy with where I am at 25. That does not at all mean that I wish I was married and had kids. I just wish that I was in a much more successful job position than I am.. Currently living off student loans, which simultaneously puts me into immense debt, while also pursuing a degree for a job I no longer want but Iām already too sunk into the program to quit.
Iām getting my teaching degree and in this progress have realized, I donāt fucking want to be a teacher. Maybe in like, ten years?? When I am retiring modeling.. But right when I graduate at 25, FUCK no. But will I need to pay off this debt Iāve sunk myself into? Probably.
I donāt regret getting my bachelors in English, but so far, grad school is a bust. I 10/10 do not recommend. If anything I feel like it has set me back. I am further into debt and still barely making it with a part time job babysitting. Iām 25 and I work as a babysitter, well, a nanny, but still. Iām unhappy with that, too. I havenāt ever left the U.S. when all I want to do is travel. Well, I went to Canada once at night to see a show, but I came back the same night so I didnāt even see anything except the venue in Montreal, so it doesnāt count.
My point is that Iām 25 and Iām still just barely scraping by with student loan debt and babysitting jobs while trying to make something of myself online via instagram modeling which is the exact same thing I was doing at age 16, except on Tumblr (I was cat-core.tumblr.com, so scene). Maybe Iām being too hard on myself, but this is why the dread of settling persists in my mind. For years Iāve dreamed of seeing England, where my ancestors are from. Now between the pandemic and my financial debt, I fear that it wonāt ever happen.
I am so impatient and eager to just feel.. Content? Happy? Iāve flipped this never ending indecisiveness onto my hair. I decided to try going brunette again. I thought maybe going back to my roots would make a difference. It didnāt. I didnāt make it a week before missing my copper red.. Now Iāve been washing it out. The red is coming back through, but itās not like it was. Iāll be seeing my hair stylist soon and apologizing profusely.. When everything is out of control, I try to take control of SOMEthing. Next up on the list: my fitness goals. Iāve always been strict with that, but now itās time to get serious and go into game mode for summer.
What I truly want is to be a full-time content creator. I want so badly to be able to just create art as my job and make a living while paying off debt. The fear of settling terrifies me that wonāt ever happen and Iām going to have to become a teacher one way or the other right away. I am so sick of feeling like, āYeah thatās what I want to do, but I need to do xyz firstā¦ā I wish that I could just drop everything and solely focus on influencing, but that is just NOT practical. I have homework, I have bills to pay, and not to mention the other priorities of life like doing laundry, dishes, going to the gym, etcā¦
In my opinion, the reality of the situation is that I have less than two semesters left before I have my degree. I need to just finish it. I am not even in a place yet where I could quit my nannying job and be able to pay my bills. Itās just not practical. Iām not a big risk-taker and never have been. I play it safe, and maybe thatās why Iām so unhappy, but at least Iām going slow and steady instead of potentially risking everything. I am trying to just enjoy the process. Slow down, trust the process, and enjoy it. If I ever do make it big in the influencing space, thereās a lot of negatives to that job as well. So enjoy how slow it is now⦠and dream that it picks up.. I have massive anxiety that may not happen, but I AM at least trying to enjoy the process. Even though thatās hard because I am so impatient.
Does anyone else read books and just dream that you were elsewhere? Living a different life? Lately my escapism has been re-reading the Twilight saga and the Fifty Shades trilogy. Say what you want, but I fucking love these books. I havenāt read the Twilight series in over ten years, so I actually forgot most of what happens. Itās been a fantastic journey to relive. Iāve read the Fifty Shades trilogy⦠five times. No rAgRetz. Itās phenomenal. @ me.
I also read Midnight Sun recently which is what sparked my desire to re-read Twilight (also low-key blaming Midnight Sun for making me want brunette hair again)…. Itās these books that also triggered my fear of settling to an entirely new aspect: my relationship. Iāll admit that since I moved back to Vermont for the time being to live with Connor, we have not been doing well. Itās almost as if living together has pressure cooked our relationship. Thereās an intense lack of space in the apartment between us and our two other roommates. Iām unhappy being here without my rabbit. Connor is unhappy that Iām unhappy. I get really snappy and sarcastic easily.. So he does too.. The whole spiel. Two stubborn Aquariuses, one with a Cancer moon (him) and one with a Capricorn moon (her) & youāre bound for trouble.
So I wonāt deny that reading Midnight Sun had me second guessing my relationship because like, shit, I want an Edward Cullen. Fuck. Me. Up. Not saying Iād leave my boyfriend in the hopes that an immortal vampire would bite me, although, immortality would be fantastic. Where do I sign up? Itās the intense desire that Edward has for Bella that I want. The intense desire that Christian has for Anna. The hopeless devotion of romanticism and desire and lust and love. I want that. Not fighting over Connor using the toilet plunger to unclog the kitchen sink.
So the fear of settling entered into my relationship. Am I settling for this relationship? If so, why? Am I too scared to be alone? I would argue that there is a little bit of that, but ultimately I am not ready to just let go of Connor. I donāt want to. I have not wanted to. My intense desire to be desired stemmed at Connor. I wanted more of him.
So that is what we discussed over the weekend. Telling your boyfriend of three years youāre scared of settling with him isnāt necessarily an easy conversation, but it had to be done. I told him I need more, I want more. I want to feel wanted. Along with this conversation, I explained to him about the whore that is the fear of settling and how sheās been sliding down my throat, day in and day out. I told him Iām terrified of death because I donāt want to get to the end of the road and have a life where I couldnāt reach goals or feel a sense of accomplishment and his response knocked me off my feet.
Connor took awhile to respond to me before he said, āWell, not to be a dick about it, but only you are in charge of thatā and proceeded to explain to me how if Iām so scared of settling, I should be working hard to ensure I donāt. I should be saving money to maneuver a trip to Europe in the cheapest way possible. I should keep pushing my content creation and be persistent with trying to work with more brands. This response really seems quite obvious in retrospect, but I truly wasnāt expecting it.
Heās right. I am in charge of deciding whether or not I settle. I donāt want that teaching job, I better get to work looking for something else. I want to travel, okay, maybe donāt buy another dress.. When it comes to my relationship… Well then, we better get working on fixing our issues. We know the pan is hot, but at the same time I think that there is something beautiful at the way we donāt stop trying.
I realize that Fifty Shades and Twilight may not be the best stories to create my relationship expectations from. Itās similar to porn. It is unhealthy to interpret porn as reality and create sexpectations based on porn. Fifty Shades is my porn. And I shouldnāt base my relationship goals off of such stories⦠but at the same time, like, where is my Christian Grey??
I talk a lot about wanting that intense desire, hopelessly romantic, unconditional love, but I fail to recognize that I may already damn well have it. All of our disputes, bickering, break ups (two of them), & we are still holding on strong. He never gives up on me. While the universe is screaming, āNo! No! No!ā We continue to stand hand in hand, screaming āYes!ā
So while the fear of settling hasnāt fully escaped my cerebral cortex yet, it has begun to trickle down and deplete itself through my tears. Connorās advice really helped me, as it usually does. Iām going to try to keep in mind that only I am in charge of avoiding settlement. Now for fuckās sake letās get me back to my copper hair.