solace in uncertainty

March 2, 2023

Last week I turned twenty-seven. It never ceases to amaze me how much time has passed since my teenage years and yet it feels like no time at all. I often forget I am nearing thirty because I feel stuck in the same patterns of living as I did at sixteen. I still live at home with my parents, I don’t have some big career I have found to be my passion, and I am still focused on making something of myself in the online world. In addition to all of that, I am dating my high school sweetheart; while this has been an absolute dream, I cannot help but forget we are both inching closer to thirty because in many ways it feels like no time has passed.

Both Zach and I so often find ourselves just aching for the future. We are so impatient about getting a house, getting married, and starting our adult lives together. There’s many factors that go into this and I am painfully aware. Inflation has trashed the economy, we are waiting for the property we want to go up for sale, and we also need to save money to even be able to buy said property, which is difficult when neither of us really have careers that would sustain such a purchase. It seems like aging just continues to become more and more difficult, as if the world does not want anyone to succeed at this point. It’s no wonder the new phrase is “thirities are the new twenties..” But that’s a whole different conversation that involves issues with government and politics that I need not to delve into (let’s not even get me started on my student loan debt).

The point is that we get so caught up in aching for the future that we are forgetting to find peace with where we are now. We are impatient; we want the house now, we want the marriage now, we want to travel now.. It’s difficult to find solace in the chaos of being in our late-twenties, in crippling debt, without a shed of what we want to do as careers to get ourselves to the stability we so often crave.

I for one haven’t a clue what I’m going to do for a “career.” If I had things my way, I’d travel and do my photos and write for the rest of my life. I really have a love/hate relationship with wellness bloggers and lifestyle coaches who so often romanticize and push hustle culture. We live in a time now where people are aspiring to be TikTok famous or making six-figures from YouTube. The internet is only growing with opportunities for content creators that I truly feel it’s like becoming a rockstar or a leading movie star. Everyone wants to be a content creator now.. and while I fully embark and embrace hustle culture, I cannot deny it has made me lose sight of myself to where I am now leaning away from content creation as a source of income.. All the while wishing I could have started earlier or hit that lucky algorithm so I could just do what I love and make an income, but it simply is not that easy anymore.

Last summer I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. That’s a whole topic for another post, another day, in another time. However, I was pushing myself hard for being a full-time content creator, podcast host, etc.. The podcast was fun, indeed, but I would truly black out whilst recording and take on this other persona of a person that was far from myself. It led me to break up with the love of my life out of fear and I almost moved to New York City on my own just to run away from everything including myself. I fully came back into myself when I finally saw Zach again and became grounded. His thick blonde curls, slanted blue-grey eyes, and crooked teeth reminded me that I’ve been in a deeper love than I ever thought possible for the past ten years. Being with him reminds me of who I am at my core.. But I still struggle with who I want to be in my future..

Yesterday I took my second NYSTCE teacher certication exam. After I dropped out of that program, I felt relieved and free. I felt a weight off of my shoulders from the pressure my parents kept putting on me to become an educator. I also felt completely lost and hopeless.. After doing eight years of schooling to become a teacher and being so close to the finish line, dropping out of it felt like jumping into a deep hole. I decided to finish my certifcation, simply to have it as a backup plan. Perhaps I will use it, perhaps I won’t. I want to finish it because I want something more than the online world. I do not exactly plan to be linking my outfits or pots and pans in my fifties.. and who knows what the state of the internet will be by then? Probably paying a subscription to keep social media at all at this rate.

I am already finding ways to distane myself from the social media world. I am unfollowing any content creators that do not bring value into my life (slowly). At the same time, it is difficult to embrace my own identity when I start looking at other creators and feeling inspired and wanting to buy the same things they have. Spend, spend, spend.. Consume, consume, consume. This is social media culture and while I fully admit I am part of the problem, it is a problem for me. I see an influencer with a stunning dress.. I need it. Cute bedding? Sold. Yet again stuck in an endless cycle with myself and consuming.

There is no solution at the moment. If I deleted social media that would fix it, but I am not ready for that. It is still a source of my own income, but I need to be more mindful and I am painfully aware. It also hurts to know that I may be a culprit for someone else’s viscious cycle of consumerism by promoting outfits and brands I work with, or linking what I buy.. I will fully admit that Taylor Swift lyric: “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem.”

My mother and I are looking to rent an apartment in the UK. This would be used as a holiday home to stay at several months out of the year. I am fully aware this is such a privilidge that I am incredibly and irreconcilably excited for. I found peace in England. When I was there for two weeks last May, I found home in a place that I had never been. I felt more at home in England than I do in my own home here. My ancestorial roots are quite literally entirely from England, so it makes sense. Do I forsee myself living there full-time someday? Perhaps, but not at this time. I never say never, but I couldn’t leave my three fur babies; Traveling three cats to the UK looks like an incredibly difficult and expensive process that I do not forsee myself eager to embark. Regardless, I hope to find solace and peace again when I visit for short periods of time.

I also know I cannot rely on England to heal me. I hate that word. Are we actually healing or just using that term as a way to find comfort for running in circles? I know not; I know who I want to be, I know what I want to be.. but only thinking as far ahead as five to seven years. It doesn’t seem practical though. I want to just work from home, travel, take photos, and write. I want a cottage home filled with antique furniture and vintage-inspired wallpaper. I want to be married and become a mother and wear matching puff sleeve mommy-and-me dresses with my future child. But it is just so difficult when life continues to throw obstacles and inflation and student debt and yadda yadda.. Dealing with my own mental health issues on top of that. I know this is just me venting and ranting. I know it is my own problem. I know I am in charge of making changes for myself, I get that. It’s finding peace in this uncertainty and anxiety that I struggle with. It’s the planning and scheduling and making sure my bills are set that keeps me up at night. But I know this, writing things out for my followers like this at least gives me comfort that I am putting out something valuable (hopefully), and not just another influencer pressing consumerism.

I will say that I am no longer working with brands that I don’t align with. I dropped a lot in the past few months and only want to work with brands I truly do love moving forward. I am also going to be writing more pieces like these to provide somewhat more value to my name than just pretty photos. I know not what I am doing next, but I only hope I am taking good steps and that all of my hard work will repay me in a bountiful amount eventually.


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/By Alice Marie ROose